Coach Schnickelheimer
by Matt Magnet
Summary: Sorry I haven't posted for so long, I've been really busy. But here's a new fic to make up for it. Enjoy and please review!
1. Default Chapter

Author's Note: Big thanx to my friends rita skeeter, Blot, HedwigAngel, Nova, Unknown Sorcerer, and especially Destiny, who he

Author's Note: Big thanx to my friends rita skeeter, Blot, HedwigAngel, Nova, Unknown Sorcerer, and especially Destiny, who helped me come up with the idea for this fic. I'm going to miss you guys so much next year! I guess you'll just have to hire someone to talk about Justin, Michael, Hot Guy, and Egbert 24/7 since I won't be at Brentwood anymore. You guys rock!

Coach Schnickelheimer

Malcolm walked home from school, whistling happily. Overall, it had been a pretty good day. The Krelboynes were doing a special unit on marshal arts, and Malcolm loved doing the karate. He was finally able to protect himself from the bullies at school. Life was good.

Malcolm entered his house and went into the kitchen to grab a snack. Reese was already seated at the table, munching on some cookies. 

"Great news!" Reese proclaimed. "Tomorrow I'm taking Brittany Hall to the movies!"

"Brittany Hall? She's one of the most popular girls in school? Why would she want to go out with you?" asked Malcolm.

"I asked her when she was real sick. Brittany was pretty out of it. I don't think she even knew what hit her." Reese chuckled giddily.

_Wow, this is a great day,_ thought Malcolm. _Reese is going to be totally humiliated by the prettiest girl in school when she doesn't show up! _While Malcolm was smiling gleefully at this thought, Lois had entered the kitchen. 

"Hi boys. How was school?" she inquired.

"Fine."

Lois looked through the mail. She picked up a letter for closer and more careful examination. "That's weird. Malcolm, there's a letter from your school here."

"A letter from school? About me? What's it say?" Malcolm was extremely curious, and slightly worried. His mom tore open the envelope and quickly scanned the paper, then read it aloud. The letter said:

To the parents of Malcolm:

The admissions committee of your son/daughter'sschool has looked carefully through your son/daughter's records. It has been brought to our attention that your son/daughter has not been participating in extracurricular sports activities. Therefore, your son/daughter is not contributing to the school. Unless your son/daughter begins participating in an extracurricular sports activity, the school will consider not allowing your son/daughter to return for the following school year. I highly recommend that your son/daughter join the current sports team, which is soccer, if he/she wishes to continue at this school.

Sincerely,

Coach Jean Schnickelheimer

"What do they mean?" cried Malcolm. "They can't possibly mean that they're going to kick me out of school unless I join the soccer team!"

"I'm sorry honey, but I think that's exactly what they mean," Lois replied.

"Not contributing to the school? I have a 4.0 grade point average! How is that not contributing to the school?"

Lois patted Malcolm on the shoulder. "It might not be such a bad idea. I bet you'll make lots of friends when you join the soccer team!"

"You're actually going to make me do this? Mom!" Malcolm yelled.

"It'll be good for you." Lois sighed as she watched her son stomp angrily up to his room. 

***

What horrible things will Malcolm encounter when he joins the soccer team? Will the most popular girl in school stand up Reese? These questions and many more will be answered in the next and final chapter. I'll probably post it in about a week, so be sure to check back for the thrilling conclusion!

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	2. Part 2

Coach Schnickelheimer Part 2

Coach Schnickelheimer Part 2

Malcolm slowly opened his eyes. _Oh man, what a horrible dream,_ he thought. _I dreamt that the school was going to make me join the soccer team! Thank God I don't really have to._ Malcolm turned over onto his side. He saw that his brother was staring at him.

"I can't believe Mom is actually going to make you join the soccer team!" cackled Reese. "This is way too funny!"

"What?!" Malcolm sat up quickly. "Omigod! It wasn't a dream! I really do have to join the soccer team!" He angrily stomped out of bed and into the closet. Malcolm pulled out pants and a shirt, yanked them on, and stormed out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. 

Lois was setting a giant platter of pancakes on the kitchen table. Hal, Reese, and Dewey were wolfing the food down greedily. Lois smiled at Malcolm, "Hi honey. I'm so proud that you're going to be doing soccer. I know you'll have a lot of fun."

Reese snickered. "And I'll have a lot of fun watching you. Wait a second, I can't watch today. I'm going on a date with Brittany Hall. Oh well, I guess I'll just have to watch you humiliate yourself tomorrow."

"You're going on a date, son?" Hal glanced up from his pancakes.

"Yeah. It's no big deal. We're just going to the movies."

"What are you going to see?" asked Lois.

"The new horror movie, Stabwound Returns."

Lois looked at Reese suspiciously. "Have fun. And don't you dare get into any trouble."

"Don't worry, Mom. I won't." Reese smiled angelically up at his mother. 

Malcolm ate his breakfast quietly. He didn't even fight Reese over the syrup. He was too depressed about the soccer team to pick a fight. Why did everything always have to happen to him? It just wasn't fair!

***

The school day passed quickly and normally. Reese beat up half the playground at lunch, and Malcolm aced an English test. Malcolm was angry to find that no matter how hard he tried; he couldn't slow time down. It was the first time in his life that he _didn't_ want school to come to end. But sadly it did, the end of class bell rang promptly at 3:00, and Reese raced off to the movie theater while Malcolm walked dejectedly out onto the field.

The soccer team, a group of 14 boys, was out on the field already. The coach hadn't arrived yet. Malcolm was glad. Coach Jean Schnickelheimer was a short, thin, energetic woman with an amazingly loud voice. She was merciless, and loved to blow on the whistle hanging around her neck superfluously. It might seem strange that an entire school full of adolescents would be scared to death of a short little woman, but Coach Schnickelheimer was not a force to be reckoned with. 

Five minutes after Malcolm arrived on the field, Coach Schnickelheimer strode up to the cluster of boys and blew her whistle loudly. "All right, warm-up! 14 laps!"

Malcolm's jaw dropped. He jogged over to the Coach. "Excuse me, Coach Schnickelheimer?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm Malcolm. I just joined the team. And I don't know if you realize this, but 14 laps around the field is the equivalent of 2 miles. Isn't that a little much?"

The Coach snorted. "No, it isn't a lot at all. The 14 laps are only to get you warmed up. You'll be doing 5 times more than that once we actually start practicing. Now, unless you want to run 28 laps, I suggest you start running!"

Malcolm gulped, but took off. 2 laps later, he had a cramp in his side, couldn't breathe, and felt like he was dying. "Damn Mom for this!"

***

Reese walked up to the movie theater. The beautiful Brittany Hall was standing outside, tossing her long blonde hair from side to side. Reese wasn't able to suppress a smile. He couldn't believe she had actually shown up!

"Hi Brittany," he said, gazing into her sky-blue eyes.

"Hi Reese," she purred, looking dreamily into his clear green eyes.

Reese grabbed her hand, paid for their tickets, and led her inside. As they were standing in line to buy popcorn, Reese said, 

"I'm so glad you came."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world." Brittany smiled flirtatiously. They made their way into the theater and Brittany pulled Reese into the back row.

"Why are we sitting all the way back here? I can barely see the screen!" complained Reese.

"Who cares? We're not going to be watching the movie anyway," said Brittany.

Reese was thrilled. _This is the best day of my life! The hottest girl in school totally wants me! Hey, I've got an idea! I know exactly what'll make her want me even more!_ Reese grinned as he leaned back into his seat to watch the previews. He pulled the box of popcorn gently onto his lap. Phase 1 of the plan was now complete.

***

What horrible plan does Reese have up his sleeve, or rather down his pants? Will Malcolm survive the running? Is Coach Schnickelheimer Satan with a whistle? These questions and more will be answered when the final chapter is posted, same bat time, same bat place.

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